[text] They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal.
[text] I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
[text] Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
[text] That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news.
[text] [_______] disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since.
[text] I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
[text] NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
[text] why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
[text] You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
[text] It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
[text] fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
[text] You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
[text] Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
[text] My vagina is officially offended.
[text] With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
[text] No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
[text] For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
[text] After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
[text] Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
[text] If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
[text] You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
[text] In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
[text] What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
[text] The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
[text] I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
[text] We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.